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AGENT IMPOSSIBLE: Your Mission, Should You Chose to Accept It


Well, look at you, all filled with self-satisfaction! You’ve written your novel. BRAVO/BRAVA! I’m really and truly very proud of you. Seriously! More importantly, YOU should be proud of YOU! This is no small feat. No siree! It’s a MAJOR accomplishment. I mean, how many of your friends have faced a blank screen and eventually filled two hundred fifty-plus pages with 80,000+ meaningful, insightful, poetic, and profound words and finally typed “The End” centered below the last period! Unless you hang out with Colleen Hoover, James Patterson, or Neil Gaiman, not many, I suspect. You’ve worked your ass off for a year or more, cursing and crying, totally focused and sometimes full of self-doubt. When you could have been going to the movies or enjoying volcanic orgasms with the Amazon delivery guy, you chose instead to dedicate that time to your writing project. Wow. Just effing WOW!


You’ve probably re-written and re-read your manuscript dozens of times. Of course, you have. You’ve been distracted by your book day and night. Surely, there were times when you thought, “This is pretty damned extraordinary!” And there were times when you said, “This is total stinky caca!” But your manuscript is now at a place where, although you intuitively know it’s not as deep as Ian McEwen (or maybe even the Starbucks menu), it’s the very best you can do—for the moment. And that’s a wonderful and strategic place to be. When you eventually get an editor and publisher, they’ll help to make it even better.


But how do you attract that talented and enthusiastic editor, the one who will smother you with warm sloppy kisses because your book is so damn cute and as sexy as you are; the one who’ll recognize the obvious value of (insert BOOK TITLE)? How do you slip past the publishing industry's vicious Rottweiler guard dogs? Through a literary agent, that’s how (there’s really no other way, unless you self-publish). But how do you get said wet-kissing agent?


Oh, brother, get ready to hang yourself by your nipples.


Okay, here’s the poop (and that’s not necessarily a metaphor). This is where the “business” of writing becomes a brutal blood sport. The good news is that there are hundreds of agents to choose from. The bad news is they have tens of thousands of writers to choose from. The other good news is that you believe you’ve got a killer manuscript and will fight like hell to see your baby succeed. You are a force to be reckoned with. But gird yourselves, dear, talented, cosmically-tuned-in-to-the-creative-universe writer, you.


Where to start? You start where most 21st century yellow brick road research begins: GOOGLE.

Type HOW TO FIND A LITERARY AGENT into your search engine, and you’ll generate a slew of pages with links to articles that tell you pretty much the same thing I’m telling you to do (but read some of them anyway). That is, you’ve got to do a crapload of research and sift through the internet like you’re searching for that cubic zirconia stone that fell out of your girlfriend’s engagement ring on the beach just before the hurricane smashed into the island where you were having rumpy pumpy to celebrate finishing your novel. Read a few of the articles. But then, check out these cool sites. They’ve done the deep dive, compiling agents/agency names and submission address databases.


1. QueryTracker https://querytracker.net/ is terrific, and you can narrow down which agents represent your genre. It’s free (although you can buy a premium membership).


2. Query Cat. https://www.querycat.co This is a database that I particularly like.

The peeps who put this site together are obviously ga-ga for kitties because every page has a photo of a cute feline. Which is sort of amusing. Check it out because it’s really a good aggregate of agents and what they’re looking to represent. There’s a modest yearly fee, but I think it’s worth the price. And it allows you to keep track of the agents to whom you submit your work and when/*if they respond. It also offers a thumbnail bio of the agent, their “Wish List,” and a link to their agency’s website. All good material.


3. JERICHO WRITERS https://jerichowriters.com/uk-literary-agents. You have to subscribe, but Jericho Writers also offers other writing services.


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*PET PEEVE: Often, an agent’s Submission Guidelines will end with something dreary like, “Due to the volume of submissions we receive, we cannot respond to everyone. If you don’t hear from us by X number of weeks, we think your work is shite, and we’re not going to even bother to send a form email rejection.” What the actual fuck? If you, the writer, take the time to submit a query, any decent businessperson should have the courtesy of sending an email even if it says, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Is it just me?


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There! Easy-peasy. Now you know how to find an agent. Oh, if only it really were as easy to actually get signed by one! But you've set a foot in the right direction. Baby steps, my friends. A bit of effort on your part will reveal all the literary agents in the universe who are open to submissions. Further research will tell you which ones want the type of book you have to sell. But it’s damned important to follow each agent’s submission guidelines pretty much to the letter! If an agent's Wish List says they rep Christian cookbooks for Philistines, don’t query a lesbian time-travel romance novel. If you do, you actually deserve the above-referenced ghosting.


Although most agents are legit and professional and all that moral Better Business Bureau stuff, and just want to make a buck off you (15% for domestic sales, 20% for international) and hoping to find the next big name, Jesus H. Christ (no, that’s not the next big name that I’m thinking of), they often demand a piss pot of information in addition to a query letter.


Some of their submission guidelines may seem utterly cuckoo. As if you have to prove that you’re a serious writer by jumping through their masturbatory hoops. One agent in particular that I’m thinking of requires the following through QueryTracker: Query letter, synopsis, first three chapters, biography, elevator pitch, target audience, list of similar books in the marketplace, the name of someone who may have helped edit the book, links to the author’s social media, physical home address (huh?), website address (start thinking about getting a website even if you don’t yet have a book to sell), the name of your gynaecologist, how many orgasms you have per week, what’s your favorite anal bleaching cream. (Okay, so I’m kidding about the last three. Sorta.) And what do you get in return after following her list of asks? Probably a form rejection sent to your email address (I did). So much for your hard work and following her guidelines to the T.


That said, finding an agent to represent your book is obviously not impossible. New writers get representation every day. I hope that you will, too! Remember, they need you as much as you need them. But unless you personally know a literary agent whose been having wet dreams about your tantilizing self, or you have writer friends who agree to introduce you to their agents, there’s a blank-load of work ahead for you.



But you can do it! You’ve come this far, and you’re not giving up or giving in! You’ll face a lot of disappointments. (Although I’ve heard that Truman Capote never received a rejection letter. But that’s gotta be pure baloney.) So, take a deep breath. Totally believe (because it’s true) that every rejection you receive is not a verdict on your worth or the value of your book. What one agent doesn’t connect with; another might love to bits and pieces. It’s happened to me. The most important thing is to keep writing! Because when you sell this book, they’re likely going to want your next!


Caution: Please, I know you want instant gratification and validation for the miracle you’ve birthed, but don’t be so needy or in such haste as to be lured by scammers (they’re out there waiting for you!), some of whom will charge you thousands of dollars (yes, it could be thousands!) for lists of agents that you can find all by your onesies at the above-referenced sites, and others. I’m just sayin’.


Now, check out these links and start writing your next bestseller!






Next Time: What happens when your once-enthusiastic agent, who couldn't put their nose far enough up your butt when they saw potential $$$ signs, loses interest 'cause you're not paying their bills.

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